The Journey Toward Becoming a Dad of 6

At this point in our adoption journey we are really getting to experience what being a family of 8 is really like. There are tons of the “real – unreal” moments when I realize that I am experiencing everything I had prayed for and hoped for. For 18 months, the journey to bring these two amazing kids into our family seemed like it might never end. You settle into the reality that you have to keep hoping and realize that you might never get what you hope for. I fully embraced the pursuit and somehow braced myself for the reality that this might be a life-long pursuit. When you put that much energy into the pursuit, you stop making any plans for what happens if the adoption actually DOES happens.

AND THEN, it happens. You are right in the middle of experiencing everything you hoped would happen. It is just unreal… and yet very real. These kids are slowly settling into our family. Each day brings new insight into their personality and new interactions with our older four kids that are just so incredibly cool to watch.

At first everything is so strange. There is real love, but it is foreign and not personal. It is based on the identity of these two kids as “orphans” ,not on their real God-given identity. In fact, we had just a small glimpse of who these kids actually are, how God formed them and what personality he infused them with. And yet they are there right in front of you – a son and a daughter. In this strange stage, everything is real but it feels a little forced.

For instance, I know what bedtime looks like at our house. I know how to put kids to bed that I love very much. Bedtime usually consists of tickling, talking, praying and kissing (usually in that order). My four oldest kids have grown up with this, love it and respond well to it. So as we tuck Tia and Garrett into their beds, I know how to be that kind of dad, but they do not know how to receive that kind of dad. I want to be the same dad, but it feels a little awkward and forced because they have never had a dad do that with them and you can tell that they have no idea how to respond to it. For the first several nights I would lay next to Garrett and say “goodnight Garrett, I love you.” and his response was, “okay” and that was it. The first several nights I laid down with Tia and said, “goodnight Tia, I love you” and her response was, “goodnight, bye!”

As the adoption pursuit phase ends and the becoming a real, everyday dad to six amazing God-created kids, I find in my heart a new pursuit beginning. It is the pursuit for the heart of Tia and Garrett. Not just to be the dad I am to the older four kids, but the dad that all six of them need individually. You see in many ways, I have been reminded that each child is unique and requires a unique approach. What one child needs is nearly the last thing that another one needs.

As I write this several bible verses come to mind.

If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. 2 Corinthians 2:10-11

This might not seem like it fits the context, but the word “schemes” is a word that indicates that Satan has an individual battle plan to defeat us and our kids. He is working hard and has created a unique plan for our destruction. So the very least I can do as a dad is to create an individual plan for their success.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

The phrase “in the way he should go” literally means “according to their bents.” It means that we as parents have to realize the different and unique bents of our children and train them accordingly. Parenting is not a one size fits all pursuit.

The last thought on this is a phrase I have used a lot, because wherever I seek to lead, it seems that I am the one who is changed the most in the process. I am literally being transformed into a different person as I seek to form our kids. What each child needs requires something different of me. So they form my life as I form theirs.